Life lessons from someone who has been “there” and done “that”
From me to you…
When I heard my mom gave birth to a little girl, I was shocked. Her last child was at least 10 years old at that time; why is she still birthing children? we all asked!
Coming back from my senior secondary school exams, I met a few relatives by the gate, perplexed, and asked what’s going on… only to hear my aunties say, Your mom just gave birth—‘Who “gave birth?”
That was all I and my siblings could mutter out loud as we lived in this house and didn’t know somebody was pregnant to the extent of giving birth. I Indeed there was a live human in my parents room inside a mini baby bed.
I looked at my brother, who just wrote a paper with me that afternoon, and he looked back at me with the same confused expression on his face. I looked for my mother amidst the people who came to congratulate the new mom, and she was sleeping in her room. Fantastic! My father was also home, and immediately they handed me a pack of Malta Guinness to go share to the arriving guests.
An aunty took care of my siblings and feed them in the children’s room while me and my brother quickly got to work, serving guests, responding to congratulatory messages, receiving cash from those who gave freely and helping to direct more people into the now crowded palour.
Life from that day moved very fast. We went from a family of six to seven immediately, and the newest addition was so beautiful and cute. I was in charge of her clothes and caregiving as if I ever had a sister. I felt threatened at some point when I noticed my father rarely looked at me again; all his attention was solely on my sister, and as much as it was cute, I was a jealous teenager.
The little human just turned 11 last month, already in secondary school with only a few years away, and asked for an iPhone 13 from me as her birthday gift, sighs.
Her mind is sharper than a kitchen knife, very bright, proactive, and acts beyond her age. Reads every book she can find around the house and operates any electronic device with so much ease. We’re working towards her becoming a doctor in the future, and I want the very best for her.
Here’s the thing: growing up around boys, I didn’t have anyone to calm me down or teach me about most of the things my mom didn’t want to talk about yet because we all know African parents and how they are with the girl child.
I want it to be different for her; we talk about things, and I’m scared she might be another version of me that's closed off. How do I maintain what we have now, build more on it so she can always trust me to come say anything whenever? As a child, I wanted someone who I could easily talk to without prejudice, to gist about my day in class and how we gossip about our fellow classmates
How do I be this perfect elder sister to this child? How do I build her trust? How do I make her feel very comfortable to talk about everything? I don’t want her seeking clarity or validation elsewhere when I’m available. I want to experience many firsts with her while holding her hand and saying we’ve got this.
I do my best in having conversations and explaining every little things I know to her and try to have difficult conversations. But how do you know when a child needs more? As a child that grew up around adults, she acts like one, so it’s a bit harder to really know and see these things.
I just hope the little I’m pouring into her helps her navigate life as a young child and she understands that even though I’m harsh sometimes, it’s all for her benefit and it doesn’t in any way push her away from me.